Salvation

There is nothing more fulfilling
then finding comfort in the word
its not like anything you have heard
you may think its quite absurd.

But when you lie in the presence
of the one who died to forgive
it shows you what life is really about
and how to truly live

Happiness isn't found in the parties,
or the partners, or the score
its not found in the judgement,
or the tone of your core

Its not about appearance
or the interference, you can cause in others lives
Its about giving, and living,
for the one who is called Jesus Christ.

Life is so precious
with Jesus in your heart
He will guide you till the end,
and even before you truly start

With only little to drink
He cries out Gods name
no one ever knowing
the amount of his fame.

Now you may not know it
but this I found is true
though you don't deserve it,
he died just for you.

So take a moment, in his amazing grace,
let his glory fill you, his hand rest upon your face,
for in any moment you'll see him,
with his arms stretched out wide,
being nailed to a cross
pierced in his side

Dying for his love
this love he sees is you
don't you hear him calling,
Come and be made new

Judged by Church Goers

Yesterday a good friend of mine told me that his sister was pregnant. Now I, like you, know nothing about his sister, so instantly I said “OHHHH Congrats”! But yet after analyzing the look on his face I knew that this was not a celebratory moment. He later tells me that she is only 17, the father of the baby wants nothing to do with her, and because they are Jehovah’s witnesses, she will be, in so many words, “let go”.  I have heard similar cases, again, and again in my neighborhood, so this was no shock. The reason I tell you this story is because of the own hurt I’m feeling for her.

               

           The church they go to is made up of many, each in my eyes, sinners. I’m a sinner, you’re a sinner…It’s been a common theme since Adam and Eve. Someone however, has been given the authority, to “exile” this girl from her church. She is no longer welcome, wanted, or approved of. When trying to understand why in the world her church would do such a thing, I had it explained to me this way. “If you are baptized, then you are saying you believe the bible (Jehovah’s bible) is true and therefore promising to do everything that it says, so by exiling her, she is reaping the consequences of disobeying”.  If you can read that sentence and not scream WRONG at the screen, then you may not be a human. Even if I didn't have Jesus, I would say that it’s not fair. First off, if I were to get pregnant tomorrow, not being married, and went to church, they would NOT kick me out. If anything they would see that I was broken, not only was I alone, but I would have to raise a child for the rest of my life with possibly no support.

This is the thing most people who aren't Christians miss. Everyone, and by everyone I mean every human that ever lived in the world other than Jesus, will screw up. So the odds of even the best Christian screwing up are an extremely high percentage.  That’s why Jesus died. If we were perfect, he would have died for nothing, therefore the bible would be null and void. Who then would forgive? Who would set the standard of love? Who would allow us to be redeemed and cleansed, never having to look back at sin? I think you’re seeing my point, and if not, then my point is that Jesus is alive and he is more than willing to save. 

So say I was this girl. Say I was “damaged goods”. I was hurt, and lonely, poor, and on my own. Those who I thought I could trust, left me, and now I don’t know what to do next. If all of this were true, which it completely was at one point, I would run and sprint towards Jesus. Church isn't going to heal you, pastors wont, friends wont, parents won’t. Drugs cant, drinking cant, sex cant, porn cant. Who in this world could possibly heal you when we are all the same amount of broken?? People can’t take away the relationship you have with Jesus when you believe that he has truly redeemed you. They can make you feel undeserving, but that’s because you are, but the good news is that it doesn't matter to Him. He knew that the day you were born, and He will know it tomorrow.  Thankfully, because he knows, he knows our future, and can make our paths straight.

That girl doesn't need to be told by some guy in some church that she’s not good enough for them, because if his sin was sticking out as far as a belly at nine months, he would be kicked out too.  Church is for the broken, not the fixed. For those who want fellowship with people who understand them, not those who will judge. My point is that no one has the right to judge the heart, but Jesus. Just know that when he does, we will all have to answer for what we have heard and turned away from, or what we have gone back to when we see him leading in the opposite direction.

“For God will bring every deed into judgment, including every hidden thing, whether it is good or evil.” -- Ecclesiastes 12:14

Just Everything

              Did you ever have those days where you just can’t feel? Your emotions are so strung out on drama or stress or activities that you don’t even know how to act anymore. Today would be my day. I can understand where the saying, “when it rains it pours”, comes from. I came to the realization today that I don’t care for my job, which keeps me from my friends whom I miss, and I play house with my boyfriend who I feel doesn't want to commit. Let me break it down for you. I’m tired. That’s really all it is. I can guarantee if I went out for a run, or got together with some girlfriends I would feel much better. But that would only be a temporary fix anyways, because my problem is insecurities.

                I realize I look for quick fixes. Books that will help me learn what God wants for me, devotionals to lift my spirits, even journaling like this blog. I have to admit, I can be a very silly woman. I came across a piece of scripture that made me realize how blind I can really be. “Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting” (Psalm 139:23-24). Well DUH! If you want peace, maybe you should go to the king of peace. If you want comfort, instead of running to six girlfriends, your mom, your sister, and the neighbor next door, how about you go to God? God gives out comfort like it’s his job, because, it is. If this is you too, don’t be too hard on yourself, I’m clearly just as silly.

                Search me God. What a statement! Search me and know my heart. To know is to apprehend clearly and with certainty. I want God to know my heart with certainty, but then again, do I want him to know every corner of it even the sinful ones? Probably not. But that’s just what learning about god is all about. It’s learning and knowing that you can let go of those things, and he will keep them safe. We are all so afraid to let go of that sin we cling so closely too. We hate the change of giving something up, or admitting that somewhere along the way, we were wrong. But God isn't going to help us expose our sin, just to dangle it in our face! He is going to destroy it! Romans 6:14 clearly states, “For sin shall not be your master, because you are not under law, but under grace. Sin does not own us! If anything we are allowing sin to rule in our lives, because we can’t picture what life would be like without it. I have a girl in my small group who has a horrible relationship with her mother. They fight constantly, exchange harsh words, and help create each other’s brokenness. When I asked her what she would do if her mother came up and just gave her a hug and said I love you hunny, she responded with “she would never do that”. I feel that’s how we are to God taking our sin, we don’t believe it can actually happen. Like in my friend’s case, we have to be just as willing to accept that we have been wrong, and that people, sin or things, can change for the better, once they are in Gods possession.

                Test me and know my anxious thoughts. I could say im a coward, and id much rather not be tested by an almighty God. But then I realized how silly that thought is, because in being tested, you grow. You can learn, grow, and rid yourself of sin after sin by submitting to Gods testing of your heart. He knows your anxious thoughts, and in your frightened state he clearly says “Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand (Isaiah 41:10). His promises are true, and he promises to strengthen you, and to help you. He isn't going to leave you to do this all on your own. Once we get down to the fact that we are ultimately hopeless on our own, we will find how to be still and focus on God.

                See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. Let him lead. Let him guide. All we have to do is follow. Sometimes I think we try to over compensate either to get God to notice us more, or to try to be better for him, but we aren't called to do either. We are asked to follow. Lord god I pray that you can search my heart, for any offensive ways. I pray you can lead me to your healing, and your love that covers multitudes of sins. I pray for the strength to get through the changing in my life, for the ridding of my sins, so that I can rejoice with you after conquering them. Lord help me learn who you are, help me love who you are, and help me imitate your humble nature. Thank you for loving me the way you do, let me understand the way you view me. In Jesus’ name, amen. 

Coming To Christ

               The last time I remember being the happiest in my life is when I was about five years old. I can remember playing with a big bouncy ball in the drive way with my mom. Laughing, yelling and chasing after the giant blue ball was exciting, wondrous, and completely innocent. Two years later I learned that my mother was gay by catching her making out with a woman she referred to as her “friend”. We spent every weekend that summer visiting her “friend”, Wendy. I loathed her. She was the woman I blamed for ruining my life. My mother’s time was not only now split between me and someone else, but now I was fighting for love against another woman, or so that’s how I saw it then.

                For years I watched my mother. I followed her wherever she went, upstairs, downstairs, as long as that woman was around, I would make sure nothing happened. I didn't know what sex really was, but I knew enough to know I didn't want my mom having it with her. When my mother would drop me off at grandmas for a weekend vacation, I would make her promise she wouldn't have sex. Never the less I would catch her kissing her girlfriends through the years, knowing full well she wasn't keeping her promises. At one point I would pray to God that he would kill me, because I couldn't kill myself. I became consumed by sex. I promised myself at the age of nine that I would NEVER have sex, even when I’m married. The only exception to having sex would be to have babies, because I loved children.

                When I became a teenager of course, all of that changed. My consumption with sex became addiction. Along with that came neediness, longing for attention, and insecurity. As long as someone told me I was sexy or hot or beautiful, I felt I was okay. As long as someone noticed me, as long as my pride was being fed, everything was alright. Surprisingly my sex addiction stemmed from my longing to be loved addiction.  I fooled around with a few guys, yet I still kept my promise to myself to be pure from sex. Then high school came, and when I found someone I latched on. I would give a man anything he wanted to stay around, to get him to love me. Nothing seemed to work. Most people would say I had it all, a family, tons of friends, terrific grades, and yet in my eyes I had depression.

 I pulled away from my mom, who I felt really didn't care anyways, and started living with my friend. Her mom introduced us to drugs, we started smoking weed anytime we could get some. Her uncle would grow it, so we always got a stash for helping bag it and not telling anyone. Friday poker nights were innocent, until some of the guy started bringing alcohol. We felt popular, we felt needed, and we were wanted there. The guys stood up for us, protected us, and loved our skimpy clothes. I “fell in love” with one of them, but he didn't want me. I spent two years being his best friend and trying to hook him up with people who were my friends that he wanted to date. The first time I really felt broken was when a guy I was talking to loved me, and left me. When I say left, I don’t mean we broke it off. I mean he changed his number, deleted his Myspace (which was popular at the time), and never spoke to me again to this day. Oh and just to add insult to injury, the last time I heard from him was Christmas Eve.  (I hope you’re starting to understand the depths to my brokenness, but I digress).

                Most kids learn to drive at 16, instead I got engaged. That seemed to work, for a while. He was my first partner, the love of my life. I was ecstatic! Someone loved me! Me! I was so blind to red flags; usually neediness blinds you like that. I told him that I was waiting until marriage, and he told me that the mindset I had wouldn't be lasting long. Two weeks. That’s as long as I could hold out. It only took us two months to get caught, by his father. We then were put on parole. No alone time, dates had to be escorted by friends or parents, movies required saved ticket stubs to report back to the officers (his parents). After two months of torture, I broke of the engagement because he wouldn't stand up to his mother. We then soon broke up, and his best friend was there to pick up the pieces. All he had to do was tell me he loved me.

                The new relationship was controlled solely by sex. If I did wrong, that’s what made it better. If I felt ugly and unimportant, that’s what made me pretty. Soon enough I had idolized him. So when he left me, my world fell apart. After that I dated men to fill the void. I would end up sleeping with them on a second or third date, just to realize that it would never work between us. By the time I was 18 I had two STD’s. I found out a week before Christmas about the one that they told me would be with me forever. I hated myself. I looked around at my life and felt naked, worthless, unloved, unimportant, and a fake. Everyone saw me as the Virgin Mary, the “mom” of the group, the cute one, the sweetheart. I saw myself as the slut, the whore, the Jezebel, who was never going to be loved, and who deserved everything she got. I didn't think my mother cared, my father wasn't around and had his own issues, and my friends just never could really understand.  

                The end… Just kidding, I couldn't just leave you there wondering what happened. First things first, the above story is broken, and it describes a sad and lonely woman. There is no happiness, and of course in real life, I had happy moments, but it clearly wasn't that memorable. Now I left some things out as well. When I was dating rebound guy, who was after engagement man, his family went to church. Him and I would have hotel parties and then be forced to go to church by his family the next morning. The only reason I went was because I wanted to spend more time with him (you have to remember I was a latched on kind of woman even if I didn't think so at the time). Sunday after Sunday I heard sermons on God and Christ and all that jazz, and I found it hard to stay awake most of the time. When he and I broke up, I would go to church just to see him. About three months after I started sitting alone in the back of the church, I started crying, every Sunday.  I didn't get why my heart and soul would hurt after hearing these sermons on Christ’s love, his want for us, and how he saved people who could never be saved.

                January 25^th 2011. That’s when I experienced happiness, that’s when I experienced love, that’s when my life changed. I accepted that Christ died for my sins, that he gave his life up for me to have a relationship with God. He died so that I could learn what true love is, how to lose my pain, and leave my sin behind me. Since that day, my life has completely changed, and although it was hard, I wasn't ever alone. I have been sex free for almost two years, I was able to quit drinking, quit smoking, and quit running after people’s attention. I have a friendship and a love with my mother, a woman I have never been able to communicate with. Christ gives me wholeness in my life that is incomparable to anything I've ever experienced. Through him I have found friends that are honest, true, and loyal. I've been blessed with a boyfriend who loves me, no matter where I have been or who I was. When I told him about my past, the first words out of his mouth were “you accepted Christ, and now in Him you are made new, and that’s how I see you.” “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!” (2 Corinthians 5:17). For those of you who aren't followers of Christ, I plead with you to throw away your brokenness, your depression and find a new beginning in Christ. There are none to broken or alone for him. For those of you who do put your hope in Christ, I encourage you to remember what he has taken you so far from. I hope that every time you feel alone you can remember where you were before finding him, and what he has brought you through. Remember those little times you experienced God full force, whether he took some sin out of your life, or taught you how to love like he does, don’t forget Him. I hope my story could help you understand your own, just know that he created you. He knows your past, present and future, yet loves you just the same.

“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” –1 John 1:9